I think the hardest thing to do in life is to figure out what you really want. Not what you think you’re supposed to want. Not what your parents think you should want. Not even what your partner thinks you should want—although a good partner will want nothing more than for you to be happy.

And there it is. That word. Happy.

That elusive brass ring that everyone is striving for and little actually realize. Figuring out what you want, what truly makes you happy is one of the hardest things a person can ever do. First of all, it changes. I used to think accolades and awards made me happy. Then I thought money made me happy. Then I thought being a musician would make me happy. Then I thought a boy would make me happy. Then I thought kung fu would make me happy. And so on.

1. Happy is a journey, not a destination.

Happy won’t be owned, only enjoyed. The reason she is so elusive is because happy is a journey, not a destination. It’s an acceptance and better still an appreciation for everything you have right now, at this exact moment.

Let’s be clear, happy is not the same as content. I am happy at this moment right now, but I am never content. That’s dangerously close to complacent.

2. Happy must be nurtured.

That’s the thing about happy. You can enjoy her right now, but she doesn’t run on autopilot. You have to nurture her. You have to continue to grow. You have to continue to learn—otherwise you’ll miss out on a wealth of happy sources. Ever been having the best day ever and then stub your toe? That’s happy reminding you, “What have you done for me lately?”

3. To find happy, get rid of unhappy.

The first step to getting happy is actively getting away from what makes you unhappy. There’s no mind space for discovery when it’s filled with problems and negativity. There are people and situations that quite literally suck the life right out of you. Ever had someone walk into a room and physically feel the energy draining away? Happy has left the building.

BUT it’s your call. You can stay in the muck with unhappy or you can leave.

No matter what you say there is no reason on this planet that you have to stay in unhappy muck—barring physical restraints, you are exactly where you put yourself. And no matter where you go, you take you with you.

It sounds so simple when you say it out loud. I hate my job. Quit. My relationship is volatile. Take measures to work on it, and if both parties aren’t invested, get out of it. Toxic friendships? They’re not friends.

4. The hardest direction is the direction of happy.

Sometimes you just have to remove yourself from the situation. Yes it is just that simple. BUT that’s not to say it’s easy. It’s almost never easy. Matter of fact it’s usually a lot of work. I used to be the worst at making decisions, until I realized one universal truth. When faced with two choices, the most difficult option is almost always the right one. The harder it is to get through something, the more likely you’re moving in the right direction—the direction of happy.

Happy doesn’t smile on those who take the easy way out. And why should it? Happy should be deserved not a given.

5. Forget everyone else’s happy.

Wait, but if happy is deserved, why are so many undeserving happy? Because they’re not. They may seem happy, but they’re not. Otherwise they wouldn’t spend so much time trying to change what other people think or do. Above all, that’s their happy, not yours. Part of happy’s requirements is for you to quit comparing your happy to everyone else’s.

6. Never apologize for your happy.

When you’re truly happy, it only looks obnoxious to those that aren’t. Never feel guilty for being happy and showing it. It may sound selfish, but trust me, all of your relationships will benefit from you being truly happy. When you’re happy, you’ll find yourself doing things for the right reasons, out of the goodness of your heart, and that goodness comes back tenfold by inspiring goodness in others. Happy can be quite contagious in the right circumstances.

7. Happy rewards effort.

While happy may only smile on the deserving, she also rewards the nurturers with more happy. You’ll find that as you continue to choose the most difficult options, the decisions will become much easier. It’s like fine-tuning your life. You’ve shed toxic people and situations. You’ve put yourself in a new position where you truly have full autonomy. The choices you’re faced with will be much more appealing.

8. Happy doesn’t take the easy way out.

For example, there was a point in my life where I was choosing whether or not to leave an unhealthy relationship. However, we’d moved to a new state together, bought a house and I was the only one with a job. Ouch. What did I do? I found two roommates for him, an affordable place to rent, several job leads and paid his first, last and security to move him out. Sounds like charity, but I was doing myself the bigger favor. I could in good conscience feel that I did the best I could to help and he is no longer my problem. It was expensive, time-consuming and emotionally draining. I knew I would never see that money again, and I’d made peace with that. Letting him stay with me would have been much easier on so many levels, but so much harder in the long run.

9. Unhappy stunts your growth.

We had our happy moments, but they were fleeting and in retrospect, they weren’t really all that happy, more like the idea of happy. That is an example of making the absolute hardest choice. But looking back, had I gone the other way, I would still be there, in that little townhouse, being codependent and stalling my career, my love life and above all, the beautiful family I have now.

I’m so grateful that I woke up to that truth sooner rather than later, while there’s still time to enjoy my happy. And I am so happy. I am “right now” happy. The hardest decision I’ve made today is deciding whether I want French Vanilla or Hazelnut creamer in my coffee. It’s annoying isn’t it?

Bonus: Happy is addictive.

The only thing that makes me happier than being “right now” happy is knowing that there is so much more happy to come.

The most important truth to finding your happy is to find it as soon as possible. Don’t wait another moment. She’s waiting for you.

And you should never keep your happy waiting. She hates that shit.